Apologies and Forgiveness
For years I've tried to understand forgiveness. I hear and read repeatedly that I SHOULD forgive in order to become a better person/enlightened human/ascended being. There are even workshops and books on forgiving.
Well, I've tried the forgiveness route, but what happens is that I'm left with a dissatisfied feeling, the kind I get when I eat too much sugar. I'm full but feel unsatisfied, as if the essential life-giving nutritional substance of what I just digested is missing.
I find the whole process of apology and forgiveness superficial and hollow. I don't understand what purpose it serves other than to make the offender feel better about the despicable act they did. And perhaps give the victim a momentary sense of power as they wield the magic wand of Forgiveness, perhaps hesitating a bit to fully enjoy their false power as they hold it over the perpetrator.
I have yet to see an offender stop their behavior after apologizing and obtaining forgiveness from their victim. To the contrary, it seems to give them permission to do it again because they got off so easily the last time. Just say you're sorry and all is forgiven. No repercussions. No recriminations. No penalties to pay. It becomes a cycle of offensive behavior, apology, forgiveness, repeated ad infinitum.
It reminds me of a guy I knew in high school, a good little Catholic boy. He'd drink and carouse all week long, then go to confession on Monday and have his sins forgiven by the priest. Then, having a clean slate, he'd go out and do it all over again.
In AA they have a saying: "Don't tell me. Show me." It simply means don't aplogize. Instead, change your behavior.
Years ago when I worked in a biker/redneck bar, the bikers would often have a drug and alcohol filled night during which there would be fights, broken furniture and glass, and other sundry mayhem. Inevitably, the next day one or more would come to me and apologize. I never accepted their apologies, which shocked and offended many of them. Instead I told them I never wanted them to do anything for which they'd feel the need to apologize. This worked much better than accepting their apologies. I wasn't giving them a clean slate so they could do it all over again like my high school friend. I gained the respect of all of them and many were much better behaved, no matter how drunk or stoned they got.
The next time someone approaches you with an apology or you feel compelled to offer an apology, ask yourself these questions:
Well, I've tried the forgiveness route, but what happens is that I'm left with a dissatisfied feeling, the kind I get when I eat too much sugar. I'm full but feel unsatisfied, as if the essential life-giving nutritional substance of what I just digested is missing.
I find the whole process of apology and forgiveness superficial and hollow. I don't understand what purpose it serves other than to make the offender feel better about the despicable act they did. And perhaps give the victim a momentary sense of power as they wield the magic wand of Forgiveness, perhaps hesitating a bit to fully enjoy their false power as they hold it over the perpetrator.
I have yet to see an offender stop their behavior after apologizing and obtaining forgiveness from their victim. To the contrary, it seems to give them permission to do it again because they got off so easily the last time. Just say you're sorry and all is forgiven. No repercussions. No recriminations. No penalties to pay. It becomes a cycle of offensive behavior, apology, forgiveness, repeated ad infinitum.
It reminds me of a guy I knew in high school, a good little Catholic boy. He'd drink and carouse all week long, then go to confession on Monday and have his sins forgiven by the priest. Then, having a clean slate, he'd go out and do it all over again.
In AA they have a saying: "Don't tell me. Show me." It simply means don't aplogize. Instead, change your behavior.
Years ago when I worked in a biker/redneck bar, the bikers would often have a drug and alcohol filled night during which there would be fights, broken furniture and glass, and other sundry mayhem. Inevitably, the next day one or more would come to me and apologize. I never accepted their apologies, which shocked and offended many of them. Instead I told them I never wanted them to do anything for which they'd feel the need to apologize. This worked much better than accepting their apologies. I wasn't giving them a clean slate so they could do it all over again like my high school friend. I gained the respect of all of them and many were much better behaved, no matter how drunk or stoned they got.
The next time someone approaches you with an apology or you feel compelled to offer an apology, ask yourself these questions:
- What part did I play in the situation?
- What did I learn from it?
- What will I accept and not accept should this situation occur again?
posted by Kathy Wilson @ 12:21 PM
3 Comments:
At 10:38 AM,
bleeeeeeeeeeeeeee said…
.. .. ...
At 10:56 PM,
bleeeeeeeeeeeeeee said…
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At 6:52 AM,
Unknown said…
I think that the forgiveness you are thinking about is different than the forgiveness you have heard about. The forgiveness that heals the forgiver is independent of the forgiven's apology or intention to make amends or change; It does not preclude allowing anyone to experience the natural consequences of behavior. It's power is in breaking the negative connection caused by holding a grudge against a person or situation. This frees the forgiver from resentment and living in the past. It also allows for the light of God to enter into the situation and "do it's thing" to the benefit of everyone concerned. Holding a grudge is like eating rat poison and expecting it to kill the rat. It is a destructive activity of the ego that demands that things should be, must be as the ego wants them to be.
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